Why Stop With The Banks? A Modest Proposal

September 24, 2008 (LPAC)--Now that "Hjalmar Hank" Paulson has opened our eyes to the possibilities of le grande bailout, we have some suggestions for him as to what to bail out next.

• We suggest that the Las Vegas casinos turn themselves into bank holding companies, a la Goldman Sucks, so that the government can pick up the tab every time the house loses a bet. (Naturally, they can keep the money when the house wins; that's only fair). Steve Wynn Casino & Trust has a nice ring to it.

• Pawn shops are always making loans that don't get repaid, so we should bail them out, too. We can convert the pawn shops to banks, Goldman Sucks can buy them, and everyone will be happy.

• Corporations are always incurring losses, such as when they have to recall defective products, or move their plants overseas. They should set up banks so that they, too, can get reimbursed.

The speculators have suffered enough--some of them are down to their last billion!--and it is time the public stepped in to help them out. The only way to ensure that the peasants will have food is to make sure the lords and ladies have so much to eat, that there will be plenty of crumbs left over for the little people. Without the rich, who will buy the yachts, the private jets, the multi-million-dollar homes in the Hamptons? Surely you and your family can give up a few meals a week, to make sure that America's fat cats don't have to suffer the indignity of a diet. Have some sympathy, people!